I'm Feeling Rough I'm Feeling Raw I'm in the Time of My Life

The Good: Swimming in the lake. Fresh cherries and boiled peanuts. Long, lazy girl-talk on floats. Driving fast, with the wind blowing through my hair. Great music. Dancing like a maniac until I'm dripping with sweat and a smile that I can't shake. Laughing with my best friends. Sleeping in late. Real late. Fireworks from the ridge of a rooftop. Sparklers. Sitting at a bar, drinking a beer by myself. Getting hit on (???) five times in 10 minutes. Lazing around in my friend's beautiful home, reading magazines and talking shit.

The Bad: Saying goodbye to a friend. Safe travels, love. Visit often and repeat frequently.

Thanks, Captain Obvious.

Sometimes my subconscious is like, soooo totally obvious. I mean, I really like those dreams I have where I wake up and say to myself, I say, "Self? What the eff was that?? What does that mean?? Am I secretly a man trapped in a woman's body??" And that bitchy self never answers.

But last night, my dreams were pretty see-through. One was about my soon to be separated from husband coming my (our old) room and saying, "Let's have sex one last time." Well, yeah, ok. Pretty clear. I'm terrified of being alone, not being sexually attractive, not having a partner I trust--all these things that have been building up in me with my so to be ex over a period of years. Great, subconscious. I get it. (Luckily in the dream, we almost did, and I then I came to my senses and refused because I knew it would set me back from all the progress I've made over the last week. Man, I am even rational in my DREAMS! Why couldn't I just have had the dream sex?)

The next dream was a group of people sleeping over at this really gorgeous man's killer house. We are all lounging around, someone was playing with my hair. Everyone was beautiful and sexy and sexual, even though there was no hanky panky. Ok, subconscious, again, I think I get it. This is my ideal. Awesome people attracted to me. Many awesome people. Sweet. (God, why couldn't I have had dream sex in THAT dream??? Sometimes my subconscious can be such a prude. Jeez.)

The next dream was about my extended family, and telling my grandparents--the ones that have been pushing me and soon to be ex to make a baby being--that we are getting divorced. Painful. And this dream was full of strangness. For starters, my grandfather was this king of carnival-type that was guessing people's weight, and he put me about 20 pounds over what I am. Harsh. And then my uncle was telling me he was getting divorced from my aunt, who happened to be his sister. I mean, we are Southern, but we ain't trash, ya know? And then my uncle started to sign his divorce papers and turned into my dad. Whoa. Subconscious, I get where you are going with this, but did you have to jumble it up so much? My father figures have disappeared from my life and now the only ones left are either hurting me or unstable.

Good grief. No, that should BAD grief. Bad grief! Bad! Go to your room!

This Raspberry's for YOU!

This was my (admittedly crap) horoscope today:

"You can't make people do your bidding at the wave of a magic wand, no matter how much you might want to. They are still going to behave badly, act rudely, be tense or excitable. Just because they love you doesn't mean they are automatically always good to you."

Ha. Stupid horoscope. I already knew that one!! So HAAAAAAAAAA on you.

*tthhhbbptttt*

Already Dead

I am barely holding it together at work today.

I was feeling better last Thursday--not great by any means, but I could actually say the words to my friends "my husband and I are separating" without breaking down. Then I had a slammed weekend full of distraction.

Now I'm back to a somewhat normal reality and I feel like the sky is crashing down on me. I'm being dragged to the center of the earth with a gravity so strong I can't even pretend to be alright. Every time someone asks me if I'm ok, I pretty much lose it. I am a fucking mess.

God, I hope it fucking gets better than this. I have pretty much had it with heartache and pain. I'm fucking sick of this. Sick of feeling so fucking lost and choked. I have a rotation of cold face packs to keep me from looking like a bloated corpse when I walk into work.

It has to get better. Right???

Love and Marriage

My new favorite word is "amicable".

Maybe we have always been better friends than lovers; maybe we misconstrued a love of friendship and tried to force and one of a intimate more intimate nature. Whatever the case, I know we were in the other's life for a reason, and that we still care greatly for one another. The only thing important to both of us as we go through a separation is maintaining that friendship. He is my best friend—I don't want to lose that along with a husband.

If this had to happen, then this is the way I would want it: with love, compassion, and flexibility from both of us. I can't say that I'm not desperately sad, but I can say I haven't cried nearly as much in the last two days.

I can get through this. Small steps.

This is the End, My Friend

Well, now that it is actually upon me, I can't believe I never saw it.

I always thought that the problems between me and my husband weren't because of a lack of love. Now I see that that was the only problem.

I am terribly, terribly sad.

All Apologies

Ahem:

If you are going to make an apology, it should probably be one--if not ALL--of the following three things in order to be worthy of consideration.

1. Gentle.

2. Spoken in a normal tone of voice.

3. Sincere.

*Glares at husband*

Jose Can't-seco

Is there any doubt that this would be the result of Jose Canseco's odd career change to MMA fighting? Granted, a 7 foot 2 inch Korean opponent could intimidate anyone, but seriously...did he think he could win, even if he wasn't fighting a giant??

I mean, he couldn't even win a celebrity boxing match. Against Danny "Tiny T-Rex Arms" Bonaduce.

*At least he and Danny had a chance to trade recipes for counteracting the ball-shrinking effects of being douchebags. So there's your silver lining.

Heart Space

I. Feel. GOOD.

Cross my heart, this is neither drug or alcohol-induced. Pinky swear.

Yesterday was a huge turning point for me, and I'm riding high on that crest of energy. Tonight, I had the most lovely dinner with one of the most lovely women I know. We drank wine, ate mussels and pomme frites, and discussed all the beauties and terrors of life. It was wonderful to connect and ground myself in the presence of such a special person. I'm lucky in the way I've surrounded myself with wonderfully intelligent, kind, and loving people. I don't always deserve these beautiful people, but today I am the person that deserves them. I am feeling close to my true self again, after a very long time.

Now I'm home, enjoying a beautifully clean house, and anticipating a visit from my baby sister tomorrow, whom I haven't seen since Thanksgiving. My relationship with my husband is so much better, my brother and I are like best friends, and I'm starting to clearly see why those people are so important to me. It has a lot more to do with their acceptance of me and less of my obsessive effort to love them. What a life lesson that has been: I can't make people love me. If they love me, they love me whether I want them to or not.

So many things in my life are starting to come full circle, and now I finally have the mental flexibility and the heart space to accommodate all the things I want to let in.

I Yam What I Yam

"I have taken some deeply personal risks recently and said exactly what I mean to the people closest to me…even if it meant I could lose them."

-Ms. Mix and Bitch

I just read this on one of my favorite blogs, Mix Tape Therapy. And it really hit home for me.

For the most part, I am a direct person. Brutally direct. Direct to a fault. And it has definitely cost me friendships and relationships. I've been doing a lot of soul-searching recently, for many reasons, but I've been dwelling on this aspect in particular because it has come around again in my life.

I began to question whether it is worth it. Is it worth it to tell someone how I feel, knowing that the cost might be no longer having that person in my life? Is it worth it to put myself out there, even if it is just relating a feeling? Is it worth it to say something to someone, knowing full well that they might not be able to handle my truth? Sure, I get it off my chest. But at the end of the day, does it really matter? It is easy to say "Yes. Be true to yourself." But it is not so easy in practice, especially when someone straight up walks away. There have been times that I have been honest and lost a friend, and eventually that friend came back. But there have also been times when that friend left and never looked back. I usually console myself with thoughts of "meant to be" and shit like that. Then I question whether all this heartache is worth it. Is it worth it? Can't I just keep my fucking mouth shut? Can't I bear this on my own?

The flip side is, do I not say what is in my heart? When I am hurt, or scared, or insecure in some way, is it better to let it be? Is it better to hide that feeling and keep my friends close?

I have recently had to face some pretty hard truths about myself, and it has not been easy. My usual support network is kinda M.I.A., and so I've been relying on writing and drinking to ease this. But no matter how much I write or drink to forget, these self-truths remain. No matter how much I push them away, they remain. I spoke to a friend from my heart, and things didn't go well. At all. So I became even more introverted and scared, and angry at myself for speaking up. It was not something I could talk to my husband about, either. I was so scared of his reaction, especially after things went bad with my friend, and he and I were already having some pretty serious problems.

But I took a chance. I took a chance on him.

At first, it seemed that things would end. It seemed that this was going to be the straw that broke us. But it wasn't, and now that I have given him some time to process, I'm realizing what a truly outstanding man he is, and how lucky I am to already be married to him. He embraced me. He embraced me for the complicated, passionate, brazen, outspoken person that I am. He embraced me for my flaws and my talents. He shocked me with his ability to love and accept. Trust me when I say that what I told him was NOT easy for either of us. Yet, here I am, and here he is, and we are as strong as we have ever been, even with this unveiled secret between us.

People are strong enough. The people that love you for you are strong enough.

There are still people in my life, like my mom, that I cannot say certain things to; I accept that. They have become second tier in my sphere of relationships. I know what I can and can't expect, and that is an important line to draw. The hard part is discovering that line in the first place without losing someone.

I know now that I will always be direct. It is who I am, and for the most part, that is a big reason why my friends love me. I also know that it will cost me relationships for the rest of my life. I am beginning to accept that. It challenges my biggest fear: my fear of rejection. But having struggled with things far more painful, I also know that this fear does not control me. That ugly voice in my head that shouts at me holds no sway over my actions. I can challenge my own worst fears. It doesn't mean that I overcome the fear; it is still there and it is just as strong every time. But I challenge it anyway. Just as I challenge the people in my life. I want to be the water that polishes everyone in my life to be their best. I want to be my own water.